I found myself in a place of unfamiliar territory this weekend. A place I question often of how and why this circle of life has sent me back here, the place I scratched and dug so hard to get away from.
“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.” ~Nelson Mandela
I ran a 5K this weekend with my son in Fitzgerald Georgia. I lived in Fitzgerald when I was married almost 10 years ago. I went through three long years of battling to get divorced and I swore I would never ever go back there if I got out, and today I am working in this location again… I see people on a daily basis that I remember back then loved seeing me unhappy. Luckily I have overcome all the resentment in my heart from those days.
“Happiness can only be found if you free yourself from all other distractions.” ~Saul Bellow
I get to this race to sign us up and as we are bibbing up a girl I have been working with at my gym walks up to me smiling ear to ear and says, I made it Ms. Stephanie. My eyes lit up when I looked up and saw this child. She is such a talented runner and she promised me she would be there this morning but I didn’t expect her to be since it was so early. I was so proud of her for showing up, so I ran along with her and Range through the race. I took off running when the gun shot and I saw all these people go by as I ran alongside my son and this beautiful girl without any stress. You see this whole time I have been doing my marathon training I have not focused the first time on speed, competition, or any stressful thing whatsoever only embracing and enjoying this sport I love! It has been amazing I have to say to let go of all this competitive bull shit I have always held so deep inside me because I thought I had to be this way… Looking back now I recognize that this circle of life thing has helped me do this. By relocating and basically decluttering my life of toxic people and toxic surroundings. I can’t stress how much peace this brings when you eliminate yourself from bad surroundings, relationships, and people in your life…
“Envy was one of the most potent causes of unhappiness.”
“Enjoy your own life without comparing it with that of another.”
After doing this race I am sitting on my couch tonight thinking back over those days I lived in that state of striving to be someone or something. Striving to gain that control of everything or everyone, by achieving this or that for some sort of recognition. Striving to be better than this person or that person, to find my fulfillment. Striving to be ME because I had no clue… Today I proudly say I feel the fulfillment of every breath I take and I no longer strive to find or be ME… I just BE, and its awesome!!!
“Sometimes the past should be abandoned, yes. Life is a journey and you can’t carry everything with you. Only the usable baggage.”
“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.”
“The light at the end of the tunnel is not an illusion. The tunnel is.”
It brought me joy to run that race with those children and watch someone else achieving a goal. Just as it brought me joy last weekend to do a half marathon and laugh, dance along and cut up with volunteers the whole way…This whole training schedule I have been on for my Boston training I have not logged the first mile in a journal! I have let it all go. I have completely lost myself in the joy of my running again! I have gone deep within and faced these horrible fears I have always carried and let weigh me down then I took a deep breath and simply let them all go…
“Follow the inner star, look within & you shall find what you have long been searching for.”
I will end this entry by saying after doing this race I realize one more important value in my life that I overlooked in those hard days. That my happiness and my peace has always been right here with me. I have let so many things disrupt my judgment of what my peace, happiness and joy should be. Looking around that race that day I could see and even feel so much about people there. But what was important to me was I could look at myself and my son and see absolute freaking bliss, the fog has been lifted!
“Most of our troubles are due to our passionate desire for and attachment to things that we misapprehend as enduring entities.”