Journey of Mirrors

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“If you feel like you don’t fit in in this world, it is because you are here to help create a new one.” ~Jocelyn Daher

I have always read and heard of how our past speaks to us if it is left at an unsettled state… This statement always seemed to puzzle me and I didn’t think much of it until now. I say this all because over the past 5-6 years I have had my past revisit me in ways that are unimaginable.

Today I was training a child and I could feel uneasiness all over her as she plowed away on the treadmill. I took her through her full hour session and when she was done I met with her mom and let her know she did great. I did mention to her she seemed a little uneasy. Then her mom opened to me and said that she was experiencing some issues at school with other children and this was probably why. She said she isn’t wanting to participate with everything that they are doing so they are beginning to treat her differently. As she said these things to me, I couldn’t help but see images of my own past events in my mind, and oh wow were they wicked… But as I saw these memories in my mind and even felt their harsh emotions I found myself before I even realized speaking from my heart to this mom and child… I spoke out of experience and with solid confidence on how I always felt different from my friends and still do, but today I stand with pride on my difference, and I let them both know that this difference is what has made all the impact on my life….

“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” ~Pema Chödrön

As I walked away from their van, I felt tear drops whelping up in my eyes… But I also felt a release in my heart. I knew this horrid past of mine which I had hid away for so long had been haunting me and as that tear rolled down my face I wiped it away with a smile and some pride because I was finally aware of what was going on… What life was telling me, unlike all the times I thought were so chaotic in my past… I was aware…

Another event recently I have had to deal with is something which was extremely near and dear to my heart on so many levels. A few months ago I had my first run in with addiction. Not my own, but a family member with an addiction.

My younger brother has battled addiction to pain pills since he was an adolescent. I haven’t ever truly understood this illness, but I truly believe in my heart it is an illness, which stems only from a loss of love… I have watched him throw away amazing opportunities handed to him on a silver platter because of this battle most of my life and it was nothing different than what I saw a few weeks ago. Only this time he wasn’t that 18-year-old boy, it was more like a 35-year-old child, and a whole different scale of drug… He had gotten in some trouble in the town he lives in and my mom went to rescue him from jail. She brought him back to this small town I live in only to find he was doing some hard drugs…

I live not far from my parents’ home and one evening I sat and watched as he walked around outside of their home talking to himself and punching the air, high on some drug. Watching this all I sat back on my couch and said a prayer. I prayed thank you over and over, and my heart filled with complete gratitude…. Gratitude that I had gone through a severe brain injury and had better sense than to disrespect my brain in this way… Gratitude that I lived a healthy lifestyle…. Gratitude that I did so much work on my mind…
In that single moment I knew life was showing me, maybe in a hard way, to be grateful for my brain, but also giving me complete confirmation that this path I was walking of was exactly where I should be, and to walk on….grateful

“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.” ~John Fitzgerald Kennedy

To end this I can say and with confidence that I know now that life has mirrored to me through the years and continues to mirror to me issues of what this little girl inside me holds onto so strongly…. And I say so often this little girl is such a driving force for my life, but as crazy as it sounds, she is also the same little girl I have been battling to let go of… And I finally realize these emotions, memories and parts of myself will always resurface… That they were given to me as a gift not to be hidden away…
Never Give Up, Never Give In, Never Stop Trying, Never EVER Give Up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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